
This is a summary of the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Brene Brown is the most famous researcher, and probably the world's foremost expert, on vulnerability. Her studies on vulnerability have redefined my perspectives on what it means to be courageous and to see the value of vulnerability. This is my favorite of her books.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
-Teddy Roosevelt
Brene opens the book by tackling one of the most commonly used words to describe rude or inconsiderate behavior, the label of a narcissist. While most people tend to think that a narcissist is someone that has ultra high self-esteem and thinks the world of themselves, Brene looks at it from a lens of vulnerability and reframes their behavior as a reaction to the shame based fear of being ordinary. This attitude is similar to so many other clinical diagnosis such as anxiety and depression in that they all stem from a scarcity mindset, the idea that we are never enough. The scarcity mindset is one of the pillars of modern marketing strategy and we are constantly bombarded by advertisements telling us that we will finally be enough once we have their product. Perhaps the greatest casualty of a scarcity culture is being able to own our vulnerabilities while still maintaining a sense of our own worth and worthiness.
Myths About Vulnerability:
Vulnerability is weakness - This happens when we "dismiss vulnerability as weakness... and [confuse] feeling[s] with failing and emotions with liabilities." In other words, if we view emotions as bad, vulnerability is seen as bad. Vulnerability happens all the time. Here are some of the responses Brene got in a study she did on what people consider vulnerable:
Sharing an unpopular opinion, standing up for myself, saying no, starting my own business, initiating sex, saying "I love you" first, sharing something I've created, trying something new, reaching out to someone who is struggling, stepping back up after making a mistake, asking for help, laying off employees, being accountable, admitting a mistake, asking for forgiveness.
Is sharing something you've created weak? Is stepping back up after failing weak? Is taking accountability weak? Is saying no under pressure to conform weak? Most people wouldn't see any of these as weak. Instead, "vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage." Merriam-Webster defines weak as the inability to withstand attack or wounding. Not being vulnerable permits someone to avoid being attacked, most often because they are afraid of being wounded. Which seems more weak, the person who puts themselves out there to possibly be rejected or the person who never puts them out there in fear of being rejected?
I don't do vulnerability - Yes you do. Unless you have never, ever taken a risk or are a perpetual actor that never shows any aspect of their true self, then you do vulnerability. The cost of pretending you don't do vulnerability is high. "When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be." The cost is yourself and, nearly always, your happiness, not to mention the impact on those around you.
Vulnerability is letting it all hang out - "Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It's not oversharing, it's not purging, it's not indiscriminate disclosure, and it's not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process." "Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement."
We can do it alone - Countless scientific studies corroborate the fact that humans are social creatures. There is a reason why the ultimate punishment short of the death sentence is isolation. Ironically, our culture overemphasizes self-sufficiency, but looks up to vulnerability. Research on leadership "shows that...vulnerability is predictably perceived as courageous by team members and inspires others to follow suit." Kind of a nonsensical double standard.
The Relationship Between Vulnerability and Shame
Picture shame and vulnerability on two opposite ends of a spectrum. Shame keeps us fearful about how others will perceive us and results in isolation. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Vulnerability is on the other end of the spectrum. Vulnerability is authenticity and putting yourself out there which allows others to know you. Vulnerability is the opportunity for connection. The degree to which you are vulnerable is the degree to which you can be close to another human being. Conversely, the degree to which you hide yourself due to shame is the degree that you choose to be isolated.
According to Peter Sheahan, the CEO of a global consulting business with clients like Apple and IMB, says that from a creative or business standpoint, shame is the killer of innovation. The fear of taking risks prevents progress. Peter goes on to say that the ideal business culture is one that embraces and encourages vulnerability and that old management styles of needing to be in charge or having all the answers are actually detrimental to healthy businesses. The NYT bestseller Think Again by Adam Grant, who is also an organizational psychologist, says the same thing (I summarize the book in a different post if you want to check it out). Vulnerability is a prerequisite of growth and creation.
Men and women experience shame differently. Women tend to feel the most shame about physical appearance, motherhood, and effortlessly appearing perfect while men feel the most shame around being perceived as weak. Women tend to deal with shame by becoming smaller and sacrificing their needs and dreams or by trying to fit the stereotype of femininity. Men tend to deal with shame by getting angry or shutting down or by trying to fit the stereotype of masculinity. An adherence to either gender's standards is a recipe for unhappiness.
Resilience is the key to overcoming shame. Resilience is the ability to move oneself from a place of shame to self-empathy. Brene goes over four steps to overcome shame and practice resiliency:
Recognize shame and its triggers.
Practice critical awareness by giving yourself a reality-check. Are your expectations realistic?
Reaching out to others. The opposite of shame is connection.
Voicing shame. Own it and learn to practice empathy towards yourself even if others don't. That isn't to say that you should voice your shame to someone who will just shame you more. Unhealthy people shame others.
Shame doesn't really benefit anyone. It keeps you unhappy with yourself and isolated, results in placating behaviors and self-sacrifice, or concludes in aggression which typically damages the relationships you care most about. Shame only creates pain.
While we seek out and appreciate vulnerability from others, we generally shield ourselves from being vulnerable. Brene names a few ways people shield themselves from shame:
Foreboding joy - Feeling joy is vulnerable because once felt it can be taken away at a moments notice, and that's fucking painful. Foreboding joy is the tendency to diminish your own joy so that when disaster strikes you stand to lose less. It's betraying your own happiness by perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Solution: Practice gratitude. Lean into joy.
Perfectionism - Seeking perfection is vulnerability avoidance. If there is nothing to critique, there is nothing to be ashamed over.
Solution: Remind yourself that everyone is imperfect and that having flaws doesn't change your worth.
Numbing - Turning off your feelings or staying so busy that you never have to deal with the feelings of shame.
Solution: Learn how to feel feelings and tolerate discomfort.
Viking or Victim - "Either you're a Victim in life - a sucker and a loser who's always being taken advantage of and can't hold your own - or you're a Viking - someone who sees the threat of being victimized as a constant, so you stay in control, you dominate, you exert power over things, and you never show vulnerability." You either have power over or you are powerless.
Solution: Redefine success to mean more than just winning or losing.
Floodlighting - Attempting to fast-track connection and form deep connections at hypersonic speeds.
Solution: Clarify your intentions about what you share in your own head before you share it (what's the purpose of what you're saying and what are you hoping for) and set boundaries with yourself with what you share. Brene suggests two ways she checks herself for oversharing (when creating early stage connection). 1) She doesn't share anything that would be considered intimate or that is still painful to share. 2) She only shares when she has no unmet needs she's trying to fill.
The smash and grab - Using vulnerability for the purposes of sensationalism.
Solution: Question your intentions behind sharing.
Serpentining - Dodging vulnerability like you would an angry ex (or a wrench). Refusing to be vulnerable.
Solution: Check yourself by engaging in something calming such as breathing exercises or humor. Be present. Move forward.
Cynicism, criticism, cool, and cruelty - Shaming others who are vulnerable. Weaponizing your fear of being vulnerable.
Solution: Check yourself. Or get someone to call you out when you're being a dick.
For the person being attacked: 1) Remember that attacks are often a backlash to a fear of vulnerability. 2) Only take criticism from other people who practice vulnerability.
Overcoming Cultural Disengagement
Brene theorizes that disengagement is the primary problem facing our culture today. I don't disagree. Correcting disengagement starts with the self. "We can't give people what we don't have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be." The difference between who we say we are or who we want to be and who we actually are (what we are actually doing, thinking, or feeling) represents our own self-deception. Taking an honest accounting for oneself instead of blaming others or defending your actions to avoid vulnerability, and creating inner awareness, is the first step towards meaningful growth.
Taking steps to overcome your own disengagement offers an example for others to do the same, a step that is generally replicated as mentioned earlier. Choosing to care about others and how they are treated, and even standing up for others, is another way to conscientiously create opportunities for positive cultural change. "Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead." True leadership isn't an action or a strategy, it's authenticity born from vulnerability.
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