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The Psychology Behind the Loss of Empathy

thomaschilds5

Updated: Feb 1




This is a summary of the books Leadership and Self Deception and The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. Both books are stories that slowly develop into key points. Leadership and Self Deception is somewhat a precursor to The Anatomy of Peace so it will be summarized first.


Both books revolve around a specific concept: being in the box. The box is a general term for a general way of relating to the world.


  1. In the Box - Seeing others as objects. Google AI defined seeing others as an object beautifully: "treating a person as a thing or commodity, completely disregarding their individuality, feelings, and personality, essentially reducing them to a mere tool or means to an end, often focusing solely on their physical appearance or utility rather than their humanity." Another way of looking at it is seeing oneself as the main character, the only character that really matters, and treating everyone else as side characters that's only purpose is to support the main character.

  2. Out of the Box - Seeing others as people. We are all main characters.


The way that we relate to the people around us, viewing them as people or as objects, impacts both how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive others. The steps of self-betrayal elaborates on this idea throughout the book.


Self-Betrayal

  1. Self-betrayal: An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of 'self-betrayal.'

    1. The book gives an example of the protagonist's (Tom) son waking up in the middle of the night. His first inclination was to get up and help his son so that his wife could sleep. He chose to make his wife do it in order to sleep more which was his act of self-betrayal.

  2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.

    1. Tom's choice resulted in two things. First, he started to come up with reasons to justify his choice. Second, he started viewing his wife in a more negative light to further rationalize his decision.

  3. When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted.

    1. Tom's automatic distortion process of bolstering his own character and undermining his wife's character was him performing mental gymnastics to validate his choice so he could sleep easy.

  4. So - when I betray myself, I enter the box.

    1. Enter self-deception, not realizing that being in the box started the warping of perceptions.

  5. Over time, certain boxes become characteristics of me, and I carry them with me.

    1. Habitually deceiving yourself results in a grander scale of self-deception, the formation of an unempathetic and judgmental character.

  6. By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box.

    1. Blame begets blame. People start responding in kind.

  7. In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box.

    1. The cycle of tit for tat puts both people deeper in the box. Reciprocal action is ammo for additional justification for both sides, justification being a requirement of remaining in the box with another person.

      1. Side note: The theory of differentiation by David Schnarch (summarized in a different post) emphasizes this exact point. If you don't give the other person a way to justify their actions against you (by your own negative actions), they are more likely to recognize their problems. Non-reactivity/ self-control is your best ally to help someone else view themselves critically (but still standing up for yourself and holding your boundaries).


Behold, the cycle of dehumanization.


How does one get out of the box? Let's start with what doesn't work.


What strategies don't work while being in the box (as noted in the book):

  1. Trying to change others.

  2. Doing your best to "cope" with others.

  3. Leaving.

  4. Communicating.

  5. Implementing new skills or techniques.

  6. Changing your behavior.



...But my therapist told me... Well, too bad! It's not that these are necessarily bad ideas (minus #1), it's just that they don't work when you are viewing the other person as the problem. Insincerity, anger, disapproval, judgment, and other negative emotions are expressed in your communication and behaviors no matter what you do and they are picked up loud and clear by the other party. These strategies don't work because the problem is how you view the other person, not in what you do. Whenever a client comes to me and says, "I think I need to learn how to communicate with my partner better," my response is, "nah probably not. I imagine you know how to communicate just fine." David Schnarch says the problem is never communication, the problem is that you communicate too well (see post on differentiation). The problem isn't behaviors, the problem is the unresolved negative emotions against the other party. The solution is getting out of the damn box.


And how does one do that?

  1. Honor yourself by not betraying yourself.

  2. View others as people, not objects.

  3. Focus on what you are doing wrong, not what others are doing wrong.

  4. Focus on improvement, not perfection.

  5. Apologize to those you mistreated.

  6. Live the golden rule.





Round 2. While Leadership and Self Deception is more oriented towards the self, The Anatomy of Peace is more oriented towards others.


The book begins by sharing the story of Saladin, a Muslim conqueror living between 1,100-1,200 AD. He was the most successful leader of the period and excelled in every aspect of ruling to a degree that baffles historians who consequently chalk it up to good luck. Unlike most conquerors, Saladin was also renowned for his kindness with both friend and foe which even extended to the act of conquering. In the historical period the Muslims and Christians were at war and had been for quite some time with both sides having massacred one another and desecrated their respective sacred sites. When Saladin conquered Jerusalem he ordered his troops to not only spare all Christians lives and places of worship, but to not plunder their belongings either. Instead, Saladin worked with the deposed leader to create a tiered ransom agreement based on wealth, allowing the poor of the city to leave freely, even sending widows and children away with gifts. The leader of the city, the deposed leader himself, was set free as well, an act almost unthinkable at any point in history. Saladin also continued to allow Christians to make pilgrimages to the city and protected them despite the religious animosities at the time. Saladin is an example of a heart at peace (living outside of the box) in circumstances where dehumanizing the opposition is not only expected, but encouraged.



The story emphasizes that we can always choose to care about others, even when we have a justifiable reason not to. It also suggests that an alternative reason why Saladin was so successful was not just luck, but was a result of his mindset towards others.


"The deepest way in which we are right or wrong, is in our way of being towards others."


Descartes was a philosopher best known for his famous statement "I think therefore I am." A later philosopher named Martin Heidegger challenged Descartes' philosophical statement by acknowledging that "Descartes acquired those words, and the ability to think with them, from others. Which is to say, he did not conjure them from a separate, individualized I." In other words, "Descartes was able to postulate that the separate self was what was the most fundamental only because he acquired language in a world with others." "Descartes' foundational assumption is disproved by the conditions that made it possible for him to state it in the first place." These two ideas formed the premise for a third philosopher, Martin Buber, who built upon Heidegger's philosophy of interconnectedness and came up with the premise of these books, that people can either relate to one another as people or as objects which he called the I-Thou way and the I-It way.



The I-It Way: The Boxes of Justification


The book goes on to describe various boxes that are used to justify treating others as objects.

  1. The better-than box: Judging your worth as being above another human's worth for any reason.

  2. The I-deserve box: Judging yourself as being deserving of something. Entitlement.

  3. The need-to-be-seen-as box: Needing people to perceive you a certain way e.g. as smart, confident, capable, in charge, etc.

  4. The worse-than box: Placing your worth beneath that of others for any reason.



Getting Out Of The Box Version 2.0


In this book the authors give four steps to get out of the box:

  1. Look for the signs of the box - Generally anything that isn't a state of peace including blame, justification, common boxes, etc.

  2. Find an out-of-the-box place - Try to find peace within yourself by imagining out-of-the-box relationships, memories, activities, places, etc. that center you in a state of peace.

  3. Ponder the situation anew - View what is happening from a place of peace.

    1. Ask questions that put yourself in their shoes, see how you contributed to the problem at hand, consider what else they may have going on in their life or their past history, etc.

  4. Act on what you have discovered - Do what you feel like you should do.



A Strategy of Peace


The book's final wisdom is an analysis of how to effect change in others, shown in the influence pyramid. Most people start with the top of the pyramid, trying to correct and change other's behavior when something is going wrong. Unfortunately that doesn't work for two reasons. First, insisting that others change without being willing to consider how you need to change only invites conflict. Second, your beliefs about how someone else may need to change may be incorrect due to being in the box with them. Instead the authors recommend starting at the bottom of the pyramid and working your way up. A higher level of the pyramid may not be received if the levels below it are not met.



The pyramid has three pertinent lessons:

  1. Most time and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid.

    1. A solid foundation allows for less energy to be spent overall.

  2. The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always below that level of the pyramid.

    1. The solution isn't continuing to try the same thing, it's returning to the basics and spending more time there.

  3. Ultimately, your effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of the pyramid - your way of being.

    1. Having a heart or attitude of conflict (heart at war) only invites conflict.

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