This is a summary of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver. John Gottman is a very well known researcher on what makes relationships work and a leader in the field of couples therapy. If you like the summary I highly suggest buying the book. The book is filled with examples of what these concepts look like and contains a bunch of worksheets you can do to help you work on your relationship. It also covers information that won't be covered in this summary as it's not considered foundational, but more peripheral such as specifics on how to implement any given principle.
Gottman's studies have led him to look for factors that can predict divorce and across the marital studies he's conducted, he's achieved a 91% success rate at predicting divorce. He also conducted a study of 640 couples with his method of couples therapy that resulted in a success rate of 75% with only 20% of those successful couples deteriorating in later follow ups (so around a 50% long-term success rate which is pretty good considering).
Quick side note: Despite success in this book being defined as a couple remaining married, that is not always advisable. He found that unhappy marriages can result in a 35% higher chance of getting sick as well as a shortened lifespan of 4-8 years. Conversely, a happy marriage can add 4-8 years to a lifespan. Highly conflictual relationships are also shown to be worse for kids than divorce. Not all relationships need to, or even should, work out.
Before we get into what works and what doesn't, here are a couple myths he's found about marriages:
Neuroses or personality problems end marriages.
Barring severe mental illness, insecurities or personality factors account for little in the success of a relationship.
Common interests keep a couple together.
Not if the couple experiences a lot of conflict during their activities.
Relationships should be reciprocal.
While technically true, a marriage that is rigid on requiring tit for tat level reciprocity is actually very negative long-term. Tallying is a sign of a bad marriage.
Avoiding conflict ruins marriages.
Not necessarily true. There are different styles of conflict including avoidance. What matters most is that the combined style works for both people.
Affairs are the primary cause of divorce.
Problems in marriages typically precede affairs. Typically the problems build until one or both partners seek to find connection outside of their marriage. A lack of connection makes people inclined to find it elsewhere.
Men are not biologically built for marriages.
It's not about biological sex, it's actually more about opportunity. Now that women have entered the workforce in larger numbers, women statistically cheat slightly more than men. (There is an argument that humans aren't meant to be monogamous which this statistic may support but that isn't a part of this book)
Men and women are from different planets.
The quality of the couple's friendship determines 70% of satisfaction in marriage for both men and women.
So what does impact the success of a relationship? Gottman found six primary factors that lead to divorce
The six factors:
Harsh Start-Up
Four Horsemen (This alone accounts for 82% of predicting divorce)
Flooding
Body Language/ Physiology
Failed Repair Attempts
Bad Memories
Harsh Start-Up
A start-up is how you go about initiating a conversation, specifically a complaint or problem in this case. A harsh start-up is starting a conversation with criticism or contempt, doesn't matter whether its overt or covert. Your overall attitude with your partner when you start a conversation sets the tone for how the conversation will likely go. Also remember, most communication is non-verbal meaning that most communication goes beyond just the words you speak (estimated between 50-90% depending on the source. The most well known source, a study by Albert Mehrabian, says that the actual words account for 7% of what is communicated). Negative sentiment override is the tendency to view what a partner says as negative regardless of intention. The worse a relationship is doing, the more likely negative sentiment override occurs.
The Four Horsemen
As mentioned above, the presence of the four horsemen in a relationship allows for the prediction of divorce with 82% accuracy. In other words, these four ways of interacting with one's partner undeniably destroy relationships.
Criticism: Directly attacking a person’s character.
Defensiveness: A reaction to protect oneself from a perceived attack. Can be done in a lot of different ways including counter-attacking, blaming the other person, claiming innocence, or otherwise deflecting.
Contempt: Any behavior stemming from a partner placing themselves on a pedestal over, or perceiving themselves as better than, their partner. By far the worst predictor of divorce. Happy marriages showed essentially 0% contempt.
Stonewalling: Cognitively or emotionally dropping out of the interaction.
Flooding
Flooding is when one partner becomes overwhelmed, or flooded, with emotions to the point of shutting down. The reason that flooding is so problematic is that it teaches a person to avoid marital conflict which only results in increased marital distance over time. Additionally, if one parter is getting to the point of being flooded, there are some definite communication skills that could be of benefit to avoid getting to breaking points.
Body Language/ Physiology
Body language in this case refers to individual reactivity in terms of physiology. If you are getting heated, your body naturally enters fight or flight mode. While most of what we encounter in relationships isn't a matter of life or death, our brain hasn't yet evolved to make the distinction. As fight or flight mode suggests, the brain starts to focus on survival and it shuts down certain higher functions in order to optimize survival. The more you physiologically respond, the more your brain shuts down critical thinking and reverts to base instincts. Fun fact, men are more likely to become emotionally overwhelmed than women. Sorry men!
Failed Repair Attempts
One of Gottman's more interesting findings, in my opinion, is the role of repair attempts in marital success. A repair attempt is the ability of a couple to move past an argument or disagreement and return to normal or happy functioning. A couple with an excellent track record of repair attempts can essentially nullify the impact of the four horsemen. In other words, the ability to repair the relationship is more indicative of marital success than any other single factor. With that in mind, the more repair attempts don't work, the more likely the relationship won't work. If both the four horsemen and a high likelihood of failed repair attempts are present in a relationship, the predictability of divorce is over 90%.
Bad Memories
This is another interesting one. The less a person is able to recall positive memories, the more the relationship suffers, although this largely deals with the current state of the relationship. Mood-congruent memory bias is the tendency for people to remember events that align with their current emotional state. If a relationship is doing worse a wife may remember the groom being 30 minutes late instead of the great time the couple had for the entirety of the wedding day (besides him being late). The worse the normative emotional state of a relationship, the more a person will focus on the negative aspects of a memory. As many people have experienced, trying to help a partner remember the good times doesn't generally work.
So there you have it, the six factors leading to divorce (or unhappy marriages/ relationships) according to the research done by Gottman. Now that we've explored what doesn't work, let's turn to what does work. Gottman is famous for his proposed solution to help couples get out of negative relationships cycles which he calls the Sound Marital House, a solution composed of seven different principles.
The Sound Marital House:
Enhancing Love Maps
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away
Let Your Partner Influence You
Solve Your Solvable Problems/ Perpetual Problems
Overcoming Gridlock
Create Shared Meaning
Principle 1: Enhancing Love Maps
A love map is a term that Gottman uses to refer to how well two people know each other. This includes their likes/ dislikes, favorite artists, favorite foods, best friends, pet peeves, etc. The more two partners know and remember about one another, the more the message is conveyed that they are important to their partner. Acting on this knowledge is also important. Gottman suggests that you get to know your partner as well as you can. For example, if your partner likes modern art, why do they like it and who is their favorite painter?
Step 1: Get to know your partner better.
Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
This principle refers to the amount you like and admire one another. A relationship that doesn't include fondness and admiration stands little chance (with the exception of arranged marriages or religions that prohibit divorce). Attention bias is a psychological principle that says we see what we consciously look for and ignore what we aren't consciously paying attention to. I bet you can see how this bias is particularly important for relationships. Looking for what you like and admire in your partner makes you more likely to see it as opposed to not noticing.
Step 2: Look for reasons to be grateful for your partner and express it. Look for ways to compliment your partner.
Principle 3: Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away
A bid for connection is a term used to describe when a partner attempts to engage their partner and build connection. Gottman found that partners who are happy meet their partner's bids for attention and engagement 86% of the time on average while couples who are more likely to divorce meet their partner's bids 33% of the time. In other words, don't ignore your partner, actively engage with them.
Gottman named two obstacles to meeting bids for connection:
The bid is wrapped in negative emotion.
Focusing on the negative emotion instead of the bid for connection increases conflict in couples. The ability to not need to retaliate for every perceived offense, and to instead look beyond it to see the expressed need, is very important for successful couples. That isn't permission for anyone to be intentionally rude or be a doormat either. Gottman suggests responding to a negatively wrapped bid with a question like, "I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me." Getting out of a negative cycle of interaction may require patience on both sides.
Being distracted/ mindlessness.
Technology is increasingly playing a role in relationship dissatisfaction. If the relationship is more important to you than scrolling Tiktok, treat it as such. Anytime you choose something over your partner, you are inadvertently telling your partner that they matter less to you than whatever you are engaged in. The more this happens, the more problems your relationship will likely have.
Active listening is the ability to actually listen to what someone is saying by being engaged in the process of listening. The objective in active listening is to understand the person you're listening to, that's it. Unfortunately, the simplicity of the concept rarely, if ever, translates to automatic proficiency. It's a skill that needs to be developed, just like any other skill. Everyone wants to be understood. The ability to actively listen to one's partner translates directly into marital satisfaction.
Another important element in this discussion is the ability to sit in painful emotions, whether they be your own or your partner's. The inability to tolerate emotional discomfort (yours or others) is detrimental to relationships. A couple in an emotionally healthy relationship is characterized by the phrase, "When you are in pain, the world stops, and I listen." Listen is the operative word in that phrase. It's common for people who are uncomfortable with emotions to seek solutions, distractions, or ways to make their partner happy. This is statistically less helpful than just sitting with them in their emotions. Discounting or minimizing a partner's emotions with statements like, "stop being dramatic" or "you're being emotional" are predictive of relationship dissatisfaction. Gottman found that there is an 81% chance that a partner is damaging the relationship with their partner every time they don't acknowledge and hear their partners feelings.
Step 3: Don't ignore your partner.
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
Pretty straight forward. This principle is about shared power and decision making. It's about honoring and respecting your partner as an equal, not an appendage, in your life. Gottman talks about the importance of emotional intelligence in this principle, particularly for men, as society primes us to focus less on emotions. Emotional intelligence, according to Gottman, is simply the ability for a man to honor and respect his wife (or vice versa). He found that only 35% of men in his experiments met this description. Ouch. Another statistic he found is that women bring up relational problems 80% of the time. Emotional intelligence in this case is the ability for a man (or woman) to hear and discuss these issues in order to come to a resolution rather than avoiding the conversation.
Step 4: Honor and respect your partner as an equal.
Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems/ Perpetual Problems
Perpetual problems are the problems that can't seem to be resolved in a relationship no matter how many times they are discussed, also known as gridlock issues. Gottman found that 69% of problems in relationships are perpetual problems. How to resolve them will be discussed more in principle 6.
How a couple approaches conflict as a concept before it even happens is integral to successfully navigating conflict. Here are four keys to managing conflict that Gottman suggests in the book:
Negative emotions are important - Don't discount them, learn from them, even when those negative emotions are directed at you. Also, learn to not be reactive when the negative emotions are directed at you.
No one is right - There are only subjective realities in relationships. Internalizing this concept alone will do wonders for a relationship. Needing to be right or focusing on who is right only hurts relationships.
Acceptance is crucial - Everyone wants to feel understood and accepted. When people don't feel understood or accepted, they are more likely to dig in their heels than change. If you want your partner to hear you, or want them to change, your best strategy is to make them feel understood and accepted.
Focus on fondness and admiration - Being able to remember that you love your partner and express it, even in the midst of a conflict, is indicative of marital happiness and stability.
Gottman also gives a list of applicable steps to help resolve conflict (rather than manage it):
Soften Start-Ups
Complain but don't blame.
I statements - Using language to describe how you are feeling rather than telling your partner their intentions or feelings is a common and very effective therapy technique. Here is a good explanation of I statements.
Describe what is happening without judgment.
Be clear about your positive need - The distinction between a positive need and negative need is important here. Negative needs are more about control or power than equality.
Be respectful.
Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts
For unhealthy relationships Gottman suggests making the repair attempt very formal so that the partner knows a repair attempt is being made. Repair attempts are naturally more effective in healthy relationships so the formality is not usually needed.
Soothe Yourself and Each Other
Talk with one another openly about how you're doing emotionally. Take breaks as needed in order to self-soothe. Negotiated time outs are a therapy technique that may be helpful. Negotiated time outs are pre-argument agreements between a couple on how to manage taking breaks during an argument. Items discussed include how to call a timeout (always call it for yourself and never tell your partner they need it), where each individual will go (different rooms or leaving the house), and an allotted time before checking in again (say the agreed upon time is 1 hour). During check in, the couple assesses if they are ready to talk about the problem again or if they need more time apart. The objective is to continue the conversation with a level head, not avoid it, so dedication to resolving relationship problems is vital to this agreement (even if its agreeing to disagree).
Compromise
Sometimes you gotta meet each other halfway.
Process Any Grievances So They Don't Linger
The speaker/ listener technique is a good way to ensure grievances are addressed. The technique is quite simple, one person assumes the stance of the listener and the other assumes the stance of the speaker. The listener asks questions to help increase understanding and summarizes their understanding of what the speaker has said. Once the speaker feels completely understood, the partners switch stances.
Step 5: Learn to effectively manage and resolve conflict.
Principle 6: Overcoming Gridlock
Gottman says that gridlock in perpetual problems comes as a result of misunderstanding one's partner's values and dreams. The solution? Discuss why your partner's position on a gridlock issue is so important for them. Another way of thinking about it is figuring out what the issue symbolizes for your partner. For example, one partner's insistence on saving more than the bare minimum may stem from a dream of early financial independence, may symbolize financial stability which wasn't had growing up, or another understandable reason. In perpetual problems, getting out of gridlock comes from truly understanding your partner's position.
Step 6: Seek understanding behind gridlock issues.
Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
"A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions." Getting on the same page is what this step is all about.
Four Pillars of Shared Meaning:
Rituals of Connection - How can you routinely connect?
Celebrations, recreation, communication, sex, everyday living, etc.
Support for Each Other's Roles - Having similar expectations for roles.
Work, spousal roles, parental roles, time spent in hobbies, etc.
Shared Goals
Create goals that you both want to achieve together. Shared goals can even include cheerleading individual goals.
Shared Values and Symbols
Get on the same page about what you value and what symbols you want to be a part of your relationship.
Step 7: Actively create meaning in your relationship.
Turning a relationship around is no small task and not one that can be done alone. If you want to fix your relationship, get your partner on board to fix your relationship as a team, set a day and time to go over these ideas together, and create a game plan. My post on differentiation would likewise be very helpful as it's a theory based on couples therapy as well. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I would also highly recommend couples therapy to help guide you throughout this process. Best of luck!
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