I wrote in my last post that suffering has a bad reputation and is misunderstood. Pain as well. Both are like the image above, both a dark phoenix, both misunderstood and terrifying for many but holding the keys of emotional resurrection and, I'd argue, spiritual awakening. I'm going to share my views on pain and suffering and what their healthy purpose is as well as how to end your own suffering and change your perception of pain.
Let's start by distinguishing the two words. Pain is an involuntary and uncontrollable emotional response to loss, in any of its various forms. It's sadness. It's pure and it's simple. Suffering is everything that is under our control that we actively choose not to see or address. Suffering is dictated by us, it is an unnecessary product of beliefs that we refuse to change that brings about unnecessary secondary emotions. Secondary emotions are our reaction to our instinctive primary emotion. If someone is scared, their primary emotion is fear in one extreme or another, but they may react differently to fear. One person may laugh, another punch whatever scared them. No matter what, a secondary emotion is an addition to a primary emotional experience dictated by your beliefs about the situation. And it's unnecessary.
Let me give a few examples:
A person's loved one dies. They think they will never be able to be happy ever again because they loved this person so much. Or change that example out for a relationship ending, particularly those of a romantic nature. Their belief that they will never be happy without their love one is causing their distress. It isn't to say that it isn't painful, but that belief is untrue. Healthy grief ends eventually. Not sadness. Grief. A healthy person doesn't put their happiness on anyone but themselves and they know that eventually, they will be happy again.
When someone is corrected and they get defensive. Their belief that they have to be smarter, or better, or flawless due to a crippling fear of being worthless, not being enough, or being unloveable or any variation of beliefs is creating their distress.
Logically, wouldn't you want to be corrected when you're wrong? Say you are about to innocently eat a poisoned berry and your neighbor stops you? Of course you'd be grateful. But what if they corrected your rude behavior and said it was unacceptable? Why is that bad? Why would they say that if they didn't feel that way? Why is that threatening? What if someone called out a flaw in your parenting? Do you not want the best for your kid? Would you not be open to how to be better for them? You aren't ever going to be a perfect parent so why get defensive about it? Of if you know you are, why do you feel the need to defend yourself? And yet, people get defensive at issues like these. They get defensive because they need to defend something. Their ego. And your need for an ego is the cause of your suffering.
In order to transcend the ego, one must first have an ego worth giving up.
Let's talk about Buddhism.
Buddhism is a religion that specifically addresses the cause of suffering and how to end it within the four noble truths. These truths are (as far as I understand summarizing them):
Dukkha - the truth of suffering: human expectations about life; needing life to be a certain way in order to be happy; temporary pleasure of distraction using desires and cravings (short time gain at the cost of the long term); being unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
Samudaya - the truth of the origin of suffering (the three fires): suffering is desire, ignorance and delusion, and hatred and destructive urges.
Nirodha - the truth of the cessation of suffering: extinguish desire (needs vs wants); liberate oneself from attachment.
Magga - The truth of the path of the cessation of suffering: extinguishing the fires of greed, delusion and hatred; a state of profound spiritual joy and peace without negative emotions and fears. One who reaches enlightenment feels compassion for all things.
Buddhism is right. I know because I have changed my own suffering. AND I brought this concept into therapy far before I associated it with buddhism. That association just happened in the last few months actually.
In therapy I talk to my clients quite frequently about the difference between a need and a want. A need is saying that unless reality fits your ideal reality, you will react negatively. A want is saying that you desire something but you aren't attached to it. You'd love to have a want but you know you can live your life happy and fulfilled without it. Needs are unhealthy. Wants are healthy. A need is a child throwing a tantrum. A want is an adult recognizing their power to dictate their own happiness and not placing it on anything but what they can control.
Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable, or from neglecting what is within our power.
~ Epictetus
The amount of control that people have over their belief systems is staggering. I work with beliefs professionally and I can see the impact a change in belief has on a daily basis. Your suffering is in your control and you can choose to end it at any time. It just takes work and some short term pain. I recommend working with EMDR, REBT, Reiki, plant medicine, or whatever other effective means are out there to end your own suffering.
The only thing preventing you from stopping your suffering is your belief that you can't change your suffering. Beliefs create your reality. And I'm telling you that that belief isn't true. Suffering is your greatest friend and your best teacher.
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
~ Alexis Carrel
Pain is a different game. Pain is outside of our control. What makes pain unmanageable? Trying to control it. Not believing we can tolerate it. Not accepting it. Surprise! We come full circle. Our beliefs that create our suffering!
I ran from pain better than many and worse than many as well. Eventually, I was forced, or chose, to stop running. My deepest fears were brought to fruition and my soul shattered. Best thing that ever happened to me. It was in a state of crippling and unavoidable pain that I learned to relate to pain differently.
Pain is a pure emotion. It's incredibly beautiful once you take away all the self-imposed suffering that comes with it. Specifically, once you overcome the belief that pain is bad. Pain is also a teacher but in a completely different sense than suffering.
Suffering teaches you non-attachment. If you can recognize that you are the cause of your own suffering, you are then empowered to stop your suffering. Non-attachment is letting go of the beliefs that are causing your suffering. Your need for reality to be a particular way and refusing to change your beliefs causes your suffering. Suffering is information, personal information about how you are trying to control reality and not accept it as it is. That information is power.
You can only change to the degree to which you are self-aware.
The information you're receiving is that you're attached. You've decided that you need reality to be your way, or else! But we can't control reality. We can probably barely even control ourselves if we are being honest. And we can't control others. But we try anyway. You're suffering is telling you to fucking stop! Let go of your need for things to be the way you want them to be! Your attachment to specific outcomes is what is creating your suffering. YOU ARE CREATING YOUR OWN SUFFERING.
Suffering can teach freedom. Freedom from self-inflicted pain. If you choose to view it that way.
Pain has a different purpose and lesson than suffering.
Here are two quotes from the book "Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran.
"And a woman spoke, saying, tell of us pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart my stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy.
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."
In this quote he is basically stating that pain's purpose is a catalyst for growth. It's a necessity for growth. I agree with that statement. At least, it's a necessity at first for most people in the world, if not everyone. He is also stating that pain can be handled with serenity. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.
I know that in my own personal growth journey, pain has been the primary motivator for change. There is a concept within psychology called the window of tolerance. It states that in order for change to occur, there HAS to be discomfort. If there is no discomfort, what is the motivation to change? Pain is the ultimate motivator for change. And most people require a lot of it before they decide a change is necessary.
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hallowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
Pain teaches you how deeply you love. Whether someone or something leaves by choice or death, that you care about, you feel pain. And level of the pain you feel is the level of love you had for that thing or person.
Pain motivates to change and it shows you how deeply you care. Pain doesn't have to be painful, not in the way our society currently perceives it. Pain is like an old friend, something to embrace and walk with, rather than something to run from. I've learned that I can be in great pain without being distressed by it and have even learned to be happy while in deep pain. Pain is an old friend to me and a great teacher.
Beauty sought is found. There is untapped and expansive beauty within both pain and suffering should you choose to see it.
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