Theme song: If Only - Ether remix by Hollywood Principle, AL3JANDRO, Ether
I'm not exactly sure why I feel like I'm supposed to write about this but this shows the intersection of spirituality and mental health for me. I feel inclined to write this for spiritual reasons. Although I guess this whole project feels that way. Just kind of odd to feel like this is one of the first things I should write about.
Spirituality and my own healing journey is extremely intertwined. Inseparable in fact. So I guess this is the post that starts incorporating spirituality in a more meaningful way with mental health for me.
If you've haven't read my article on differentiation, you should before you read this. I'm going to refer to it, make it all come full circle. And it will show you that I'm practicing what I'm preaching. Here's a link.
The article talks about there being two styles of expressing a reflected sense of self, one of which was the dominant type. That was me.
Previous to what started my journey into spirituality, I thought I was healed. I was confident in who I was, or so I thought, and would write off my insecurities as the problems of my romantic partners. And I would use my therapy knowledge to back it up. I was very good at blaming other people for my problems. Life was simple. Life was good.
Then I met she who shall not be named (in this post for her privacy). Yup, corny start to the story, I'm aware. But corny or not, this is real. We had a depth of connection that tapped into something spiritual that I'd never felt in my life. She was the yin to my yang. We both felt that. But my insecurities and fears manifested in that relationship to a degree equivalent to the love I felt for her. My deepest fears were that I wasn't good enough and that I was unloveable. And, also probably, that I would be alone. Anyway, my reflected sense of self needed her to prove these things to me, something that was unprovable as I didn't believe it myself, and as I was putting the burden of proof on others for my "self-confidence" by being a dominant type, I took little accountability for my behavior. The relationship ended in six months. My addiction to my emotional comfort and my refusal to face my personal, painful truth, that I was deeply insecure, ruined the thing that mattered more than anything I'd experienced in my entire life. My worst fears were realized in that moment. It was a wake up call. And I fucking chose to answer.
That relationship ending destroyed me. My soul shattered in a depth of emotion I never thought possible for myself. I had never really been depressed before and generally ignored and compartmentalized my emotions at that point in time so I never actually gave enough opportunity for depression to happen, if I'm being honest. My friends called me a robot growing up and made fun of me for how few emotions I felt. Or allowed myself to feel anyway. I thought that not feeling emotions meant I was strong and in control of myself. Well, I was wrong. And my defenses weren't ready for this level of inception. For six months straight I would try not to cry during each therapy session and would return home and lay in bed until I fell asleep. A lot of hardcore weeping happened in those bed sessions. I contemplated suicide briefly. When I say this shattered me, I meant it. But being broken was the best thing that ever happened to me.
After six months of trying every EMDR idea I could conceive of along with so many other things I tried to feel better, I turned in desperation to spirituality. I had spiritual experiences in the past with Reiki that I shoved in a box in a closet-sized safe that I would've died without trying to understand. I was sitting pretty in agnosticism after my 27 years of devoted Mormonism. Well, in this moment, I remembered those times. I tried Reiki because, what could I honestly lose at this point? Worst case scenario, I was out some money. No big deal honestly. Best case scenario? It worked. And it fucking did.
I did two 30 minute Reiki sessions via the phone. After session 1 I was functionally depressed. I was still sad all the time but I could function. No more bed-filled evenings. No more long crying sessions. After session 2 the depression was gone.
Completely. Gone.
I had never experienced that magnitude of change in my life. And what's more, the person that did the Reiki session would tell me what body sensations I was experiencing the moment I started to feel them during our sessions. That shit was wild. I didn't tell her anything but she knew anyway. I didn't think it would work and I'm a skeptic at heart, one of the best skeptics you've ever known I promise, so I intentionally said very little as a control for my experimentation. But I will readily admit I'm wrong, as long as I'm open to it. I wanted to test if this was real! I genuinely thought I'd be wasting my money. And I got schooled.
Afterwards, I wanted answers. The safe door was broken open and it was time to make sense of things. I turned to ayahuasca for answers. Suffice to say, I got them. For those of you who don't know, ayahuasca is a plant that is the strongest psychedelic known to man. It is exclusively used for healing purposes and shamans have to go through rigorous training that, at minimum, takes six years. I know several people who are in training to become shamans. It is treated with reverence in a manner that befits the impact of the healing gained in each experience. For those on the shamanic journey, ayahuasca is its own intelligent entity. Or it just triggers some healing mechanism built into our subconscious, like dreams, the basis behind why EMDR works. Who knows. But either way, it is a master healer.
That experience propelled me on a journey of spirituality that lasted close to a year. I tried anything and everything spiritual that I heard of. "Oh, you went to a Peruvian shaman? Give me his info, I'm doing it." That was something I literally said to a friend who went to a Peruvian shaman. That appointment cost $500 if I remember correctly. Which I probably don't because my memory is terrible. I didn't care about the price. This was a quest for knowledge. To understand something that was unseen but tangible. I became a Reiki master in about six months, a process that normally is years in length. That was the first time I've ever felt energy. For those of you who haven't felt that before, yes, you can feel energy. And you can learn to feel it just like I did. Such a wild experience. An incredibly beautiful experience. Energy is something else.
I spent a ton of money on things I never thought would amount to anything. And every time I was proven wrong. Honestly, I still have a bit of a hard time fully accepting it despite all my experiences with spirituality. It shouldn't be possible... or wasn't... but here we are.
I faced myself with the determination of a person tired of being the source of their own pain. Truly fed up. I finally acknowledged my reflected sense of self in the mirror and I said, "fuck that." So my quest became self growth. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. And the best thing I've ever done.
Fast forward two years and I feel like I've completed my healing journey and will address whatever else happens to come up as it comes up. I can honestly say that nothing bothers me. I am in a state of peace and happiness 99% of the time. No matter what happens. And if my peace is interrupted, I do my own therapy and take care of that shit. When I talk about radical accountability, I meant that I do it and it's worked wonders for me. I never thought I could change so extensively, not in a million years. Well, not before this anyway. The Buddhist concept of Nirvana is a real concept to me. I have essentially ended my suffering. Pain is now beautiful. I can feel happy even in the depths of my deepest pain. My compassion feels infinite. When I'm not tired anyway.
It only took two years. Two years of extensive self work and dedication to bettering myself. I mean multiple therapy sessions a week with myself. I don't fuck around when I feel called to something. Not everyone's path will be that quick. Mine was quick for a reason. But that doesn't mean that yours can't be as well.
It just takes work. Healing is work. Insanely hard work much of the time. But god damn, it's worth it.
My passion is helping people in their healing. There is nothing I care about more. My calling is to be a healer and there is nothing else I'd rather do or that is more fulfilling to me. I want to help you experience what I do. It's my soul's desire.
So that's my healing journey. I assume it's probably not done yet, progress is eternal. Feel free to ask me more about my experiences. If there is enough interest I will write about it. Or one day, I will feel spiritually inclined to write about it. Either way, I will know.
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