Healing Technique: Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

This is a summary of the book NLP: The Essential Guide by Tom Hoobyar and Tom Dotz. NLP is a theory that highlights the power of language in shaping how we think and feel and advocates for using intentional language to create positive change.

One of the first claims that the book makes is that accurate memories in the human mind don't exist. Processes called deletion and distortion (which are exactly what they sound like) alter our memories at a subconscious level as the brain's way to pick and prune what is wanted versus unwanted. While this information is not particularly relevant to the rest of the theory, I do believe it's important to include as a way to be less attached to the memories of the past, a foundational aspect of healing overall.

The first technique the book introduces is that of an anchor. An anchor is a tool to tap into a different state of mind using a combination of visualization and sensory conditioning. The idea is that you envision whatever feeling you want to feel (it can be a visualization that helps elicit the feeling you want) and "anchor" it to a specific sensory action, say putting your thumb on the knuckle of the middle finger of your other hand. As you condition this response, linking the emotion to the physical sensation, you condition yourself to feel that feeling when the physical stimulus is activated. The book says that you can do this with pretty much any emotion. While the idea is useful, this technique is more like Dayquil to me in that it can cover a symptom but not actually get rid of it.

In line with the main idea of this theory, how you describe what you want dramatically impacts what you get. The book emphasizes personal goals and how to frame your goals in a way that is more conducive to reaching them. The main point is to focus on what you want, not what you don't want. The book gives six steps follow for better outcomes which they call outcome frames:

1. Be specific about what you want as opposed to framing your goals in terms of what you don't want.

   1. E.g. I want to eat more fruits and vegetables instead of I want to eat less donuts.

2. Determine benchmarks for the goal.

3. Know the meta-outcomes of your goals, both good and bad.

4. Know what could/ would stop you from reaching your goal.

5. What resources do you have/ need to reach your goals?

6. Have multiple ideas of how to achieve your goals.

Basically it's just thinking through what you really want and how you plan on achieving it in a specific way similar to other goal-oriented methods like SMART goals or similar ideas.

One idea that I really loved is the idea of congruence and incongruence. Incongruence means that you are divided between two or more options - you're incongruent because you are divided within yourself. Incongruence occurs when you have two (or more) different values at odds with one another. Congruence, on the other hand, is when you are aware of what your highest value is and take action. Ignoring or denying incongruence is a fools errand resulting in more harm than good. To get from incongruence to congruence one must first acknowledge the various options pulling at you and decide which of the options best falls in line with your highest values. Congruence is letting go of all other options that don't align as well with who or how you want to be and taking action.

Feelings determine motivation or the lack thereof. In order to motivate yourself, you have to pay attention to the feelings that comes around before procrastination or lethargy occurs. In other words, the moment before demotivation occurs, there is a feeling that must occur. In order to master yourself you must pay attention to the feeling that brings about the lack of motivation and work through that feeling which will then result in increased motivation again. There are many ways to accomplish this but here are a couple methods the book gives:

• Changing imagery in the mind: Imagining the task in your mind and changing its size, lighting, shape, etc. This allows you to visualize it from different perspectives which hopefully will end up changing your perspective about it when it's seen differently.

• Envisioning the person you'd like to be and making it as real as possible in your mind. If your procrastination centers around cleaning your house and the best version of you wants a clean house, envision your best self in a clean house and how that makes you feel, emphasis on feel. Remember, emotions dictate behavior. If you can inculcate a strong enough emotional response by doing this then your motivation should increase to get the task done.

• Asking yourself the question, if you had a magic wand, what is one thing you would start doing as well as stop doing. This will clue you in to your intrinsic motivations and hopefully help you feel more motivated to start or stop the desired thing.

You can use these same visualization techniques to increase your awareness or to make you a better person beside just motivating yourself to do chores. One way is to meditate on what people do that makes you feel safe so that you can focus on doing the same for others. In a similar vein, meditating on what people do that makes other people feel safe/ valued can be advantageous and motivational in becoming the person you want to be. Actions always speak much louder than words so the goal is not just to think about it, it's to fully feel what that would feel like, thereby increasing motivation for action.

"What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what you say."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Speaking of, listening is a far underrated skill that does more for people than most actions will. Expert listeners make people feel good because the person feels heard and validated which typically has a far greater impact than taking them out to distract them from their feelings or other less helpful solutions.

"The most important part of communicating with somebody else is the quality of your listening skills - not what you say."

Mark Goulston

On a complete tangent, touch is incredibly impactful to well being. I don't exactly remember why the book went over this but I think it's very important. A study showed a correlation between the amount a collegiate basketball team touches (high fives, fist bumps) and average wins for the team. The more the team touched, the more they won. Studies on children show that touch helps them develop faster, heal faster, and improve physical and mental health. Apparently touch is kind of a big deal so you can do whatever you want with that information.

The book ends with a couple strategies that can help you overcome negative emotions.

1. The book recommends curiosity to overcome any negative emotion, something that I emphasize with myself and my clients all the time. Curiosity cannot exist simultaneously with any negative emotion. Changing your focus to curiosity about your emotions allows you to learn and grow rather than become stuck in them. Be curious about what your emotions are telling you!

2. Assume different imaginary roles to help develop your ideas such as the dreamer, the realist, and the critic. The dreamers job is to dream big, to fully explore the depths of what is desired without any kind of reservation about what can be accomplished realistically. It's job is to form the picture of what you want without limitations. The realists job is to take that dream and make it realistic, taking it from dreaming to what can actually be accomplished at this point in time. The critics job is to critique, to point out the challenges in the plan as well as its flaws. It's job isn't to degrade or denounce the dream, it's the critical voice that troubleshoots the problems before they pose problems that could destroy the dream. All voices discuss how to make this dream a reality but approach it from different perspectives, a technique that can help you troubleshoot your goals.

3. For conflict resolution it's recommended that both parties attempt to find the dreams behind each party's position, a sentiment that is shared in conflict resolution textbooks as well as marital therapy books. Typically people can understand the motivations behind the dream, but maybe not the path the other party has decided will get them there. Focusing on the dream, not the solution or path to get there, allows for the parties to work together to find mutually acceptable solutions that can accomplish both party's dreams.